So I’ve seen a lot about sexual harassment, rape and other disgusting & unacceptable mistreatment of women recently. This got me thinking about my horrid experiences and the effects that they had on me.
This post is focused on abortion and my experience of going through that. We are very lucky here in the UK to have such great services that are easily accessible and informative. My experience was horrible but not because of our NHS or BPAS.
I’ll start at the beginning…
Finding out I was pregnant
This was a shock because I was using contraception, (the pill and condoms I believe at that time) and because of my health problems. I had always had trouble getting pregnant and was told that it would be difficult for me to have a family. The one time that I had miraculously been pregnant before was when I was 16, I miscarried when I went for a scan.
I took several tests and went to the Drs to confirm, I was definitely pregnant. I was shocked, scared and a bit happy that my body had actually managed it again. I had always wanted to have a family of my own so I didn’t immediately think oh I’ll just get an abortion.
The boyfriend’s reaction
My then-boyfriend (Jason) wasn’t pleased and was clearly terrified. I knew he was a child and had some serious growing up to do but him never asking me how I felt or what I wanted was still surprising and horrible. He ignored me a lot at the start and then he was dead set that I should get rid and there was no choice in the matter. No well thought out plan or discussion about such a huge decision (which was ultimately mine).
It’s like that never occurred to him that It was my body and I would have to go through it all emotionally and physically. He would always talk about himself and how he felt about it and what he wanted.
He was impossible to talk to as he wouldn’t discuss other options and it was very clear that I had no choice in the matter like he was my father and he was going to drag me down to the clinic. If I did have the baby it would split us up and I would have to do it by myself.
So my GP gave me lots of info when I went to see them and referred me to BPAS. BPAS were very thorough and got all my info on the phone then set me up with an appointment to see them in Crawley.
Jason (my ex) came with me to Crawley. I wasn’t sure what to expect at this appointment, to be honest, but I knew nothing would happen that day. I remember how I felt that day, really nauseated, sad & nervous. My crazy hormones were making it hard not to cry, just this whole thing made it all real.
I was finally called in and I think they said that Jason had to wait outside for me. They did a general check-up and then came the scan. I cried during that.
After the scan was done the dr stepped out of the room and I sneaked a peak of my scan picture. That broke me even more. I don’t know why I did it but I thought this might be the only chance I would ever get to see that. I was right, I never saw my baby again. And after the abortion, my miscarriage, my health, and failed relationships I’ve decided I don’t want children.
After the 1st appointment
I felt incredibly sad for the rest of the day and couldn’t shake off what I had seen and what was to come. It didn’t help that my body and mind were changing and I was very aware that I was pregnant 24/7, my body would never let me forget.
Things continued to be weird in my relationship, more how I was with my ex. He was pretty fine and dandy now that my app was booked in to have “the problem taken care of.”
A-Day: Feb 2014/AGE 23
That morning Jason never showed and I had to sit in the waiting room alone. When it was time he still wasn’t there, ‘running late’ he said.
I was put under, then before I knew it I was coming to and I knew it was over. Grief crashed over me like waves the second I was conscious. I was completely hysterical and couldn’t stop crying. The reality of what I had done had truly set in.
I was in a room with other women and I was clearly the only one not happy with what I had done, everyone else seemed was fine with their choice. My only problem with the clinic was feeling so raw and exposed to complete strangers and not being able to hide. I clearly needed privacy but didn’t even have a curtain to hide behind, out in the open, a blubbering mess for all to see.
Another wave of realization crashes over you when you have to put on your clothes and you see the blood, then it hits you all over again. When I finally managed to get dressed you’re told to sit in another room with tea and biscuits and that you should have some. I’m used to this after having so many ops, I know the drill. I sit in this room for what seems like an eternity then I’m finally told that I can go home.
Jason is in the waiting room, I don’t believe I said anything to him. He was late and I may as well have gone alone. We went for food at some place, then he got me grapes and some other food from M&S and stuck me in a taxi home.
After the abortion
Our relationship was done after that, I absolutely despised him. But I don’t give up on relationships easily and couldn’t end things after I had done this for him. That was my mindset. I think it easily took me 6 months+ to let him near me and to try and make the best of things. It was like being stuck in an unhappy marriage because you don’t believe in divorce. I couldn’t face throwing in the towel after what I had lost so I gave it a few more years. I was naive & believed in relationships still so didn’t want to end up with nothing. What I didn’t realise was I had nothing anyway.
This fucked me up. I had so much regret for years and beat myself up constantly.
I felt awful while I was with Jason and I could barely look at children afterwards. I am glad we aren’t together anymore and I have no reason to ever see or speak to him again, I am not tied to him for life with a child. I like my life as it is and my wants have completely changed. I’m sure things would’ve been ok too if I didn’t get the abortion but I have come to terms with it now.
This for me is more about how my partner didn’t support me and was a complete twat, how it broke me for a long time. It isn’t a decision anyone should take lightly and you certainly shouldn’t do it because someone else wants you to. It needs to be thought about carefully and ultimately be what you want, because you’re the one who has to live with it either way.
*I do believe in a woman’s right to choose & safe, legal abortions. I am in no way saying unsafe sex is ok, advising anyone to have/not have an abortion. These are just my own thoughts & experiences.
- BPAS (British pregnancy advice service)
Brook offers of free and confidential sexual health advice and services specifically for young people under 25.
- Education for Choice
Education For Choice is the only UK-based educational charity dedicated to enabling young people to make informed choices about pregnancy and abortion.
- fpa (formerly ‘Family Planning Association’)
This website provides a comprehensive guide to safe sex, including advice on what to do if you’ve recently had unprotected sex, where to go for pregnancy testing, and advice about abortion.
- Ethics Updates
Dedicated to promoting the thoughtful discussion of difficult moral topics on the net.
- National Council of Women
The National Council of Women aims to enlighten and empower women throughout Great Britain.
- Sexual Health Centre
The Sexual Health Centre (formally the Alliance) provides a crisis pregnancy counselling service.
- International Planned Parenthood Federation
The International Planned Parenthood Federation (IPPF) links national autonomous Family Planning Associations (FPAs) in over 180 countries worldwide.
- Planned Parenthood
Planned Parenthood health centres offer high-quality sexual and reproductive health care, including family planning, gynaecological care, STI/STD testing and treatment, pregnancy testing, and abortion services.
I hope you enjoyed this post.
Let me know what you think in the comments or tweet me @veganbabelife
Thanks for reading!